Dad's Love

Extended Male Adolescence -- The British Version

"The Sunday Times [London] reports that young British men are turning into "eternal bachelors" and the nation is turning into a "bachelor nation." In fact, men are marrying now marrying at a rate lower than at any time other than the most intense years of World War II. It's not that they are not having sex--they are just not making commitments.
These young men are not even cohabitating -- they are just living like irresponsible teenagers. As the newspaper reported, "While the fall in marriage is well documented, it has widely been thought this is because couples are moving in together instead. But the LSE [London School of Economics] study, designed to test this notion, found growing numbers of men are simply not forming serious relationships until later in life."

In other words, they are not growing up. A civilization that fails to encoruage its young men to accept adult roles and adult responsibilities--especially the responsibility of marriage--is sowing the seeds of its own destruction. "

The default mode of this culture is clear, and it's clearly not where I want to be, nor where I want my sons to go.

13"Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. 14But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it. Matthew 7:13-14

This is a post from a good friend of mine, who performed Lyndsey and I's wedding ceremony 5 years ago. His blog is linked to the right, but it is mcryanmac.blogspot.com. He has been a source of advice, prayer, wisdom, and encouragement since I first met him in college.


"Radio (2003)

Last night I did something I've wanted to do for almost two years. I sat down with my 9 year old son and watched the movie Radio.

Radio is an important movie for me because it shows a very strong, masculine man who is compassionate. Often the two are set at odds, so much so that the term macho is synonymous with a lack of compassion. Yet this film shows an icon of traditional machismo (a southern football coach) who has compassion on a mentally disabled boy in his community.

My son enjoyed the movie in part because there's a lot of hard-hitting football in it. That's the genius of the story as a teaching tool for boys. It shows that it's possible to thrive in a man's world of toughness and competition, and still be compassionate.

I showed it to my son because the film portrays the kind of man that I want him to be; the kind of man I want to be.

The Book of Virtues taught me that stories are among the best ways to teach what virtue looks like; far better than rules. Rules fall far short of training in virtue. Stories like Radio can help teach boys and men about the virtue of compassion. They also can teach the vice of evil. My son could see the cruelty of some of the characters depicted in Radio and be appropriately reviled.

I commend the film to you.My Rating: Own It.

Incidentally, if you search for the word "movie" in the search box on my blog, you can read my past movie reviews."

I subscribe to a weekly message from John Piper, who runs Desiring God Ministries. This was in my mail this week, and relates to fathering, so I thought I'd summarize.

You can click here to get to the full article.

These are 11 things that John Piper says are the "legacy of truth imparted to me by my father."

1. There is a great, majestic God in heaven, and we were meant to live for his glory not ours.

2. When things don’t go the way they should, God always makes them turn for good.

3. God can be trusted.

4. Life is precarious, and life is precious. Don’t presume that you will have it tomorrow and don’t waste it today.

5. A merry heart does good like a medicine and Christ is the great heart-Satisfier.

6. A Christian is a great doer not a great don’ter.

7. The Christian life is supernatural.

8. Bible doctrine is important but don’t beat people up with it.

9. Respect your mother.

10. Be who God made you to be and not somebody else.

11. People are lost and need to be saved through faith in Jesus Christ.


He gives great explanations for each of these, so I highly recommend reading the article yourself.

I pray that my sons will be able to say that their father imparted even some of these things. My heart will rejoice and I will know that I've done what I was called to do.

This is a good article for the father's day read. Again, It's nice to see "studies" show us that what we perceive and know from life and wisdom is accurate.

http://cms.psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-20040726-000005.html

Sony: We Can't Stop PSP Porn Release

Pornography producers will soon release sexually explicit discs for Sony's PlayStation Portable game console, most of whose users are minors. Two makers of adult movies plan to sell their products for the console as early as July, and several other pornographers are apparently ready to follow, Japanese newspaper the Asahi Shimbun reported Friday. "It is utterly undesirable, but we cannot stop software makers from selling such videos," a public relations official at Sony Computer Entertainment Inc. said.
The hand-held PlayStation uses the universal media disc, or UMD, format, enabling the console to play games or videos recorded on optical discs 2.3 inches in diameter. The UMD format, developed by the Sony group, can play moving images for about 120 minutes. Much like the DVD, UMD discs can be produced and distributed by any company.

If you don't think pornographers are targeting your children (mostly your boys), you need to wake up. It's predatory, and they know that the earlier that a child is exposed to pornography, the more likely he will become addicted and a lifelong patron of the industry. Fathers, this is one area that we have to be over-the-top and aggressively involved.

This is a review of the book: 'Why God Won't Go Away: Science and the Biology of Belief,' by Andrew Newberg, Eugene D'Aquili and Vince Rause, taken from the Psychology Today Website.

The most dramatic finding in the book, primarily (and admirably) written by journalist Vince Rause, concerns a portion of the brain the authors call the orientation association area (OAA). The OAA, say Newberg and D'Aquili, is largely responsible for helping us distinguish between ourselves and other things. People with damage to this part of the brain have problems navigating their way around a room: They actually cannot discriminate between their bodies and the furniture. The researchers discovered that during meditation and prayer, at the moment when the monks were at one with the universe and the nuns felt the presence of a universal spirit, there was reduced activity in the OAA. Like patients with damage to this brain area, their selves became indistinguishable from their nonselves. From these findings the authors conclude "that spiritual experience, at its very root, is intimately interwoven with human biology. That biology, in some way, compels the spiritual urge."...

..Speculations aside, the facts related in the book suggest that religious experience is a product of human biology. Like so many other attempts to use science to explain religion, this one runs the risk of reducing God to a biological artifact: We don't believe in God because He exists, but because our brains trick us into believing that He does. That conclusion is fine by me, because I'm a religious skeptic. But it seems strange that so many believers embrace books like this one, apparently convinced that it somehow endorses their religious faith. They don't seem to realize that if we do find God in the crevices of the brain, He will, indeed, go away.

Ok, I don't frequent Psychology Today's magazine or website, but this morning I found myself there, in search of some great cutting edge research on Fatherhood and Religion. I found this review, by an "expert" in the field, who happens to be a "religious skeptic." I love when I hear people who don't believe explaining the beliefs of those who do.

It's easy to understand why believers are embracing these findings.

C.S. Lewis said it this way:

Creatures are not born with desires unless satisfaction for these desires exists. A baby feels hunger; well, there is such a thing as food. A duckling wants to swim; well, there is such a thing as water. Men feel sexual desire; well, there is such a thing as sex. If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world. (Mere Christianity, Bk. III, chap. 10, "Hope")

Plumb also has a song called "God Shaped Hole," the chorus of
which says:

There's a God-shaped hole in all of us And the restless soul
is searching
There's a God-shaped hole in all of us And it's a void only he can
fill

This is what led me to Christ in the first place. I continued to be disappointed
by the world around me, and sensed in my soul (and my brain) that there had to
be something more. I passionately pursued all things that I thought would
satisfy: relationships, girls, alcohol, drugs, whatever, all the things this
culture promised would satisfy, and I still remained thirsty. According to these
findings, there's a biological reason for that. Why would evolution leave a hole
in my brain that seems to point me to a higher power, when there's obviously
nothing similar in animals? In my brain is a desire for food, and food exists.
Does food cease to exist when I die? It doesn't take a Ph. D to understand it.

Chuck Colson: Is Sexual Identity Malleable?

McHugh then turned to the practice of sex-reassignment surgery for baby boys with ambiguous genitals. For years doctors had told parents that that their child’s sexual identity would conform to environmental conditioning: They would happily grow up as girls.

But a study found exactly the opposite. These re-engineered boys endured “prolonged distress and misery.” When they discovered their true genetic heritage, most of them began to live as males.
Given that there’s no evidence that sex reassignment surgery helps either adults or children, why did doctors recommend it in the first place? The answer is that psychiatrists were enamored of the feminist theory that sexual identity was determined, not by biology, but by cultural conditioning. Psychiatrists went along with this, despite the fact that animal research had long shown that male sexual behavior is directly derived from exposure to testosterone in utero. And so, today, the transgendered movement is firmly protected by rigid codes of political correctness. You’re a “bigot” if you say that a person is made a certain way and can’t change his gender.

Well, thanks to this research, Johns Hopkins no longer performs sex-reassignment surgeries. But trendy ideologies are being used to argue for a host of feminist causes—like women in combat. When you hear them, tell people about the psychiatrist who took on the ideologies and proved that gender isn’t a preference or a choice. These psychiatrists found out, indeed, that human nature can’t be manipulated, that the Bible was right all along: We are made male and female in His image.

Wow. I love it when "studies" show what we already know. I'm glad that research is finally showing the truth is what the truth was. The article from Chuck Colson is linked in its entirety.

From All Pro Dad: Play of the Day

"The London School of Economics recently completed a study that showed 9 in 10 children under the age of 16 have been exposed to Internet pornography – most unintentionally. That's disgusting. And you know, a good portion of those kids have hands-on parents... We have a free online Internet Safety guide to help navigate you through those troubled waters. Click http://www.allprodad.com/7internetguide.asp and take the time go to over this material. You can never be too careful in guarding your children against online sexual deviants. "

This is scary. Those of you with children on the internet have to protect them. Having no measure of protection is the same as letting your kid go into a room full of loaded guns without you there. The link above has some great information.

Yesterday my friend Nick and I took Jackson to the park in our neighborhood. It's not really a park for 14 month olds, but it's something different and something outside of the house. I can let him walk around and explore, and he's pretty well contained.

The park sits right next to the community pool. As we were letting Jackson climb and explore, a little girl came up to us and said, "I'm a princess!" She could not have been more than 3 years old, and she looked at us with a "Do you see how beautiful I am?" look.

In the pool area, there were several boys around 5 years old and under. They were playing king of the pool ledge, pushing each other off the edge of the pool into the water, and creating other competitions as they went along.

It continues to amaze me that there are people trying to convince us that there is no innate difference between males and females, other than their anatomy. I distinctly remember my college professor in the education department drilling us that, "Men grow breasts when they get older, and women grow facial hair." This was her "proof" that there was really no difference between the genders. Now that I know about the ridiculous bias and agenda that exists in the university, I understand what she was doing in her denial of reality. Please read this article about what happened at Harvard, and I'll leave it at that.

Every little girl wants to know, and be told again and again that she's beautiful, captivating, and worthy of being pursued. My wife, my neice, my mom. They all have this desire. Every little boy wants to know that he has what it takes to compete, and to make things happen in this life. These are the thoughts of John Eldredge, whose work has affected my life tremendously. Two of his books that I recommend are "Wild At Heart: Discovering the Secret of a Man's Soul", and "Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul."

He has said it over and over in his books, and I continue to see it in life. Women are entirely different than men, and that's great! Who wants us to be the same, what fun would that be? Our task is to recognize, appreciate, celebrate, and rejoice in those differences, especially in our children. The way I raise my boys will be different than if I had girls (another reason kids need both a mother and father). Maybe someday we'll have a girl!

This little girl at the pool made my friend and I smile from ear to ear, and rejoice inside. She knows who she is, she knows she's beautiful and "a princess." Maybe someday our culture will try to keep it that way, instead of telling her that she should try to be a man.

Today at church, Chuck Swindoll talked about the power of grace in our lives. I'm interested to hear more, hopefully the messages will be available, since I don't normally attend his church.

This idea of grace and truth has often been on my mind, and how it relates to raising kids. I have seen many families let their kids do whatever they want, and call it "grace based parenting." I have also seen many parents on the other side who are so strict and legalistic, all in the name of godly Christian parenting. As is usually the case, there must be a balance between these two extremes, and that middle ground is probably the best place to be.

I know that as a parent, my Christian responsibility to my children is to "train them up in the instruction of the Lord," (Eph. 6:4) and to "train them in the way they should go," (Prov. 22:6), but what exactly should that look like?

Chuck is going to be preaching from his book "The Grace Awakening," hopefully I can order the book, and follow along with the message series to see what he has to say about it, and how it relates to parenting. Another book I'm going to order is called "Grace Based Parenting," by Tim Kimmel. I went to a men's conference last year, where he was the main speaker, and he had some great things to say on the point.

However, I know that all the books in the world will not help me as much as following Christ myself, and understanding His word and His grace in my own life. The way He and I relate flows into the way my wife and I relate, which flows into the way my sons and I will relate.

I highly recommend listening to Chuck Swindoll's daily radio broadcast, which you can access by internet at http://www.insight.org

Move Over Rambo, you're cramping new man's style

PARIS (AFP) - Macho man is an endangered species, with today's male more likely to opt for a pink flowered shirt and swingers' clubs than the traditional role as family super-hero, fashion industry insiders say.
"The masculine ideal is being completely modified. All the traditional male values of authority, infallibility, virility and strength are being completely overturned," said Pierre Francois Le Louet, the agency's managing director.

Instead today's males are turning more towards "creativity, sensitivity and multiplicity," as seen already in recent seasons on the catwalks of Paris and Milan.

Arnold Schwarznegger and Sylvester Stallone are being replaced by the 21st-century man who "no longer wants to be the family super-hero", but instead has the guts to be himself, to test his own limits.

"We are watching the birth of a hybrid man. ... Why not put on a pink-flowered shirt and try out a partner-swapping club?" asked Le Louet, stressing that the study had focused on men aged between 20 and 35.

It's no surprise that this comes from "fashion industry insiders." I think I'll ask my wife what she thinks about a pink flowered shirt and a partner swapping club. It doesn't take "guts" to ruin your family, it takes an idiot. Not that the "macho" types have always produced great results, but this certainly isn't the solution.

It takes guts to be a man, and stand up for something. These guys don't stand for anything, other than standing for nothing. Question, why is it that if these pansies are so against "autonomy", why do they all look and act (even talk) the same?

I'll stick to what I know, and try to follow truth and not the swaying of European culture, or even the swaying of my own desires (which are often counter productive). This culture, and more importantly, my family, needs men who have strength combined with wisdom to know how to use their strength effectively and properly. Strength is not being a puppet for the fashion world, or for Europe, God help us.

I'm not a family super hero, but I will give my life for the sake of those God has entrusted to me.

Popular parenting advice suggests that parents find alternatives to saying "no," or with every "no" offer a "yes" too. Parenting advice guru Dr. William Sears says, "the fewer your 'no's' the better your day goes."


That's a shame.


I'm not for gratuitous no's. I think we can offer explanations when appropriate, and even let our kids "appeal" our no's. Sometimes we really do need to listen and let our kids make their case.


But there are times when we just have to say "no" because we are the parents, we know better than our kids, we have a special position in their lives, and they have to respect our authority — even when they don't understand it. It's a gift to our kids when we their parents believe that that's true. Whether it's material possessions or so many of the other issues of the family, there's a lot of kids who would be a lot better off at least occasionally hearing from a confident parent, "no — because I'm the parent and I said so."


I agree. Read the whole article.

"My wife Dee tells me there's a distinct difference between my sons' behavior when she reprimands them as opposed to when I lay down the law. They know I play hard ball.

We fathers can't just let our sons go off on their own. We have to shoulder the responsibility of raising responsible, respectful sons ... today.

Your wife will thank you. Your daughters will thank you. Your sons' teachers will thank you. And, some day, your son's wife and children will thank you."

This excerpt explains some of the point I was making below, that kids need both fathers and mothers. This is one example of the difference. I've seen it in every family that I've been involved in that has an active father.

I've also been surprised at how many organizations and groups there are out there dedicated to fatherhood. The overwhelming theme was a recognition that many fathers are absent, and a desire to help fathers be more involved in their kids lives. This is something I learned in Men's Fraternity.

Even with our second boy, the sense of the miraculous is still there, I don't know how people can leave them in dumpsters, or kill them before they arrive. I'm so overwhelmed when I think about the responsibility, the privilege, the awesome challenge of raising these boys to be men. I have so much to give them and to teach them, but without my wife, there would be no way I could give them all that they need. There is something unique that we both bring to the boys' lives, that individually we couldn't bring. Moreover, there are things that she brings as a mother that I have no business trying to bring. And no matter what she does, she cannot give them what a father can give them. This is why I'm so thankful that we are committed to each other, and that God has allowed us both to be here for this journey. I'm not saying it can't be done any other way, I just know for a fact that a kid who doesn't have one or the other, mother or father, involved in his life, is deprived and affected for his entire life.

You can see it in Jackson, my 14 month old's, face. When I kiss his mother, he laughs and smiles and giggles, his soul lights up. He loves to see his parents (mother and father) loving each other. I believe this is one of the most important lessons I can teach him, without using any words. How to love your wife, how to give yourself up for her, to protect her, and cherish her. If he sees this from me consistently throughout his life, he will not struggle with all the emotional trauma that comes from broken families. Married parents who can't stay together and love each other like they promised (this will be another post), put their kids in so much danger. OK, I'm rambling.

With two boys in the house, this journey has endless possibilities, and I'm excited. I'm nervous that I won't have what it takes as a father, but I will count on my heavenly Father for help where I fail. He is consistent, constant, and my compass in this life. I wish all could know Him.